A question was asked whether non-monogamy was an avoidance of ‘going deeper’. I used to believe this whole heartedly – that somehow, the container of monogamy, allowed one to ‘feel safe’ enough to open to another, thus allowing a relationship to deepen. I would insist on monogamy in every relationship – only Spirit seemed to be pushing me to see something deeper – because either betrayal would arise, with my partner being with another woman behind my back or the relationship would start to feel ‘boring’ and suffocating, with my soul longing for further expansion.
I then explored the edges of this in myself and noticed I had a fear of non-monogamy. It was linked to a fear of abandonment, betrayal and ‘not being good enough’. It was so great, that I had to enter these waters very gently, setting firm boundaries with my partner – no sex or kissing, but exploring sexual attractions through conversations with those involved (even complete strangers) would be tolerable. In this way, I was able to stay present enough to notice my fear arise (when my partner engaged with other woman in this way) and to work with it consciously (rather than shutting down).
Our relationship journey did come to an end when he chose to be with another woman sexually and I came to see that this did not mean that he loved me less. I was gifted a vision, where I saw my connection with him as direct and strong as ever, even as he formed connections with others – like a giant spiders web – with each strand of connection being unique. I realised that the only way this strand with him could be broken was if I did it myself. As long as I stayed connected and present with my partner, I was free to love him.
This love is beyond the concept of ‘romantic relationship’. It is born of the spiritual heart. It is always there. It is the connection of Spirit to all things. Once you awaken to your spiritual heart in this way, you are able to experience love expanding with Freedom, rather than feeling they are a paradox; that to preserve your love with your partner, you need to curtail their (or your) freedom. In fact the opposite is true – the more freedom you can give your partner, by being rooted in your own spiritual heart, the more love is able to deepen between you. This is because Spiritual love is not conditional. It does not have demands or expectations. It simply is an outflowing from you to another. You know that love flows freely from you because you choose to love. Love cannot abandon you – only you can abandon it – when you close your heart to loving, when you choose not to love because of your own fears.
If it is true that we all come from the self-same energy and are connected as One, then it would make sense that Spirit would want us to know this Oneness on the deepest possible level – through the currency of love which connects all things. The small box of romantic love, which has a purpose to nurtures our tender young hearts as they learn to allow the current of Spiritual love to flow through them, eventually has to be smashed and replaced with the larger Spiritual love, which is not conditional and loves purely because it knows, It Is Love. Of course, this larger Spiritual love, still contains the seed of romantic love from which it bloomed – it is different to filial love (love between a parent and child for example), which is also spiritual love with the seed of filial. So love still has its many different flavours, but they have opened from their small streams into the larger current of unconditional love, Connected to the One Spiritual Heart.
Let us look at this in terms of masculine and feminine. The masculine energy creates the container for love (the feminine, feeling energy) to flow into. People who hold a lot of feminine energy, long for a solid, holding partner with whom they can root their deep desire to love and be loved. This can feel amazing for both partners in the beginning as their mutual needs for being of service to love (the masculine) and love being received (the feminine) is met. However, once the container is filled, life has a desire to continue in its expansion. This is why relationships can begin to feel limiting after a while. The partner that carries more masculine energy, may look for other ways to expand – either through being with other partners sexually, work projects etc. This can leave the partner with more feminine energy, feeling abandoned, rejected or in fear of the relationship ending. They can sense that something is not being met. What is not being met, is the need to allow love to expand and grow beyond the fear contained within the ‘personal’ relationship container. Love desires to expand into the Spiritual Whole – to move beyond the dependence on one person as your Source of Love, to the knowing that You are the Source of Love.
This is where you get to choose to continue loving your partner (and yourself) even as they (and you) expand. It will likely bring up all your fears; you may want to go into demanding things of your partner. Try to be present to all that is coming up for you. Envision yourself in a web and see the thread that connects you to your partner. Then see the threads that connect your partner to others and the threads that connect you to others. See how you can be simultaneously connected to each other and to many others. See how giving each other freedom to love others expands the web of life and deepens the love between you as you allow the other to feel the Freedom of the Spiritual Heart of the Whole.
What is important is that each connection between two souls is given the freedom to be as authentic as possible – what ever this looks like i.e. it may include sexual energy (or it may not) and this sexual energy may express itself in many different ways – it doesn’t have to be sex; it is life force looking to expand. It is having the courage to allow the dance, soul to soul, which allows the web of love to deepen in its own unique way between each person. It does not feel loving to me to deny this to a partner I love; nor would I like my freedom to connect authentically with others denied to me by a partner who loves me.
Although this is the road less travelled, and definitely the one that feels less comfortable to me, it is the one that Spirit is asking me to walk; to look beyond my conditioning and to see and learn how to love unconditionally. That being said, it is important to remember that all concepts, including monogamy or non-monogamy, are all just tools and should only be used as long as they are necessary for what the soul is working with at that moment; do they serve expansion beyond fear and conditioning? There is no right or wrong.
Article Written by Iona Ruth – Published 4th October 2018